Last Updated on January 10, 2014 by Babita
I was having a conversation with my friend recently and as usual we started talking about our kids. I was telling her how difficult it is to get my younger one “S” to do anything she doesn’t like (for eg, her homework, reading, keeping her toys back in place etc.). Many of my other friends have told me not to worry about it since she is only seven and still a baby – their words, not mine. This particular friend gave me an advice, which surprised me. She told me that I should offer a reward to “S” with something she likes, after completion of her tasks. My friend explained that I should start with this behavior and once “S” gets accustomed to the tasks then I should stop it. For example, she asked me if I rewarded my girls during the potty training phase. My answer was a big no. I told her I just stuck to my guns and did not let go which really surprised her.
Now, this is my 12th year of parenting. In all these years I never felt the need to have a reward system for “TEE” or “S”. It never has been my style of parenting. The only time I have offered a reward is when they were really scared; like a visit to the doctor/dentist’s office for a shot or something like that. Otherwise I don’t remember offering or giving them anything to get their work done, not even a cookie or candy. I am not saying I am perfect parent or that I have perfect children. We go through the same struggles that other families go through. Kids will be kids. They will be stubborn; they will not want to do their chores or homework. But at the same time, I don’t feel it is right to teach them this behavior. I personally don’t think it is healthy for them to expect something in return for the things they have to do. Life is not like that. When they enter the real world they are not going to get rewarded all the time. So creating that kind of expectation is in my opinion a disservice to them . BTW “S” is super obsessive. If she gets used to something she never lets go…
At the same time I have to say, I am not judging my friend. She is a great parent who is totally focused and 100% involved with her kids. I have watched her and she is a wonderful mom. This system must be working for her and I personally am glad for her. It’s just that since I was not doing it, for a moment I felt that may be I am doing something wrong or that I am being a bad mom–just for a moment.
What is your or has been your parenting style?
Collard Greens with Black Eyed Peas
I think it is true that when kids grow up… they will not always have a reward for their good behavior. Although, good behavior does usually bring about good things in life 🙂 My little boy is 14 months old. I mostly redirect him at this point when he is misbehaving.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with a reward system if it is used correctly. Life actually DOES have rewards for hard work, they just aren’t candy – but you get accomplishment and satisfaction, and yes, even money – the better you are are your job sort of thing. So why not teach our kids the value of doing the things they should, and the payoff they can expect from it?
Everyone’s style is different, but I believe that some form of reward is okay, like points or stickers that they can save to earn something, but I don’t think the rewards or the item earned should be food. I think a reward system teaches them that hard work pays off – a point for a good grade because she studied hard, or a point for not having to be told to brush her teeth, make her bed (I did house bucks for not having to be told to complete their routines and then let them cash them in for cash or a day with mom alone, etc.) but if you have kids that are self-motivated, save yourself yet another thing mom has to worry about.
Sometimes I think it’s necessary to offer some type of reward for children even for things they are supposed to do. I have tried punishing my daughter, taking things away and ignoring the behavior. Sometimes all of these things work, sometimes none of them. What I learned was that consistency is the key.
My baby isn’t of age yet. This is definitely something to discuss with my hubby. Such a great read. Thank you for sharing!
I reward for completing chores and getting good grades on report cards. It keeps my boys motivated.
I definitely like to reward my daughter when she does good. It seems to work better than punishment, which just makes her mad and act out.
This is a great post! I am a mommy to a 1 & 3 year old so I am def making notes for when they get older!
I was never an allowance person, chore chart person, or anything like that. I guess I just expected them to do certain things simply because they were part of the family. Whenever I would ask for help on this or that, they’d do it. It worked for us, but who knows if it was right.
I think it’s important to have that kind of system for them to keep motivated. 🙂
Not yet, my girls are too little but when they get a little older we will be implementing something like that.
I do have a reward system and it does work out pretty expensive at times. It does help too especially with the boys.
My kids are allowed to earn things if they complete chores, homework, etc. They are also given bonus things if they go above and beyond doing a bit extra. It might be something as simple as 10 extra minutes with a favorite video game. However there are also penalties for not doing things or a poorly done job. I look at it this way – most people get paid for the jobs they do or the would not do them either. If what you are doing works though – stick with it. It never hurts to change things a bit if needed though as each child is different.
I don’t do rewards or punisthments. We have consecuencies. Good actions have good consecuencies. Bad actions lead to bad consecuencies.
Yes we do! I use stickers as a reward then at the end of the year, those stickers are turned into real money. That’s how I get my kids to get involve willingly in everything that we do at home. I like it because I don’t have to ask them to help, it is also one way of teaching them about money (earning, savings, etc).
I have to admit, I used rewards during the potty training phase. The rest of the time they just had to do it.
we use a reward/punish system in our house. We firmly believe positive behavior needs to have rewards. But that reward isn’t always a gift or money. The “currency” often changes based on what works best for the given situation.
The punish system is for when they misbehave. Obviously. Like not getting to play their video games if they sass and disrespect their Dad or me. OR if they hurt another kid or sibling then they get an extra chore. That currency also changes based on what works best for each child and each situation.
We do this system because we found it is what works with our kids.
Yes I do & my kids always look forward to them, they even do extra things to show that they are doing what they supposed to be doing
We reward our son with chocolate chips for going on the potty. if he goes stinky on the potty, he gets a lollipop. I agree, that you shouldn’t set your children up for life expecting that they’ll be rewarded for every unpleasant task, but in the case of potty training, he’s a little guy, and going on the toilet is completely foreign to him, so in my mind, it’s justified.
And I’ll just add, that my mom used the same reward system, and from the time I was old enough, I’ve worked hard for everything I have, and have never expected an unmerited reward.
Rewards works miracles for us. Maybe some parents dont believe in it, but we have to do what we know works. : )
You are definitely doing the right thing, your girls are wonderful kids, we love them
Thanks Natalia. Arti: I thought maybe I was not doing the right thing… You are right, parenting is a learning curve for us too. As parents we are always going to doubt ourselves.
Well, we have 7 children all in one household. Their reward are their computer games/video games. If their work is not done correctly or done in a timely fashion they loose that privilege for the rest of the day. Things that are privileges should be taken away or given as an award. I don’t think money, candy, cookies or a toy should be placed into chore work, since chores is a daily life thing. We teach work before play and that is how it is done in our house.
I am not a parent however I have been a caregiver and I would say no to rewards. Sounds like giving the wrong message. As they get older the rewards will just be bigger and a bigger problem! 🙂 Good luck, Best Regards, Wendy
Well, we have no kids, so, no. However, when I was a nanny for triplet boys, the reward system worked quite nicely!
Well Babita, Parenting is a learning in itself. my belief is there is no hard and fast rule for parenting. What might work for others may not work for you and your kids. You are a great Mom and you have got wonderful kids. They will be fine. 🙂
I don’t have a reward system. The kids know what they’re expected to do, and they groan about it sometimes, but they do it. We do have treats for other things, just because things, but they’re not related to anything at all. 🙂
I did not have a reward system formally in place for both my kids but I do reward them once in a while for things that I felt they did well like listening to me when asked to… etc. It is a sign of appreciation for me more than a bribe..
Yes and rewards are a HUGE motivator for my kids. Whenever I need something, whether it be behavioral or something to do with school – rewards are key!
I have no children so I do not really know whether one way or the other works-I suppose it depends on the child.
I don’t have kids, so all I’m really going off here are my societal observations and my experiences as a child. My parents never had a reward system for my siblings and me; if we were rewarded for getting a good grade or doing something positive, it was a complete surprise to us and was not something we felt that we were owed. We were instead taught WHY we should be working for good grades, cleaning up after ourselves, etc. I feel that I was more prepared for the real world than some of my friends who were given money for every good grade they earned or who were rewarded with movie tickets or gift cards whenever they cleaned the bathroom (Yes, I did have friends with situations like that, even in high school!).
That said, I think that reward systems can work as long as parents are realistic about it and set boundaries. For instance, if a child is really struggling with something and needs an extra boost to get him or her more invested in succeeding in that area, I think it’s okay as a temporary fix. In my opinion, it’s all about how it is presented to the child. When I was a teacher, I had a student who really struggled in my subject area, so his parents promised him a family trip to the beach (which is only a few hours from here) with his best friend as a tag-along if he came in for extra tutoring, worked on all of the extra credit, etc. He had to work incredibly hard for it, and it was a light at the end of the tunnel. In that sense, it really worked for that family.
I used to give my Daughter a small allowance, but I am not sure that it worked any better than if I would have given her nothing. I like your way much better.